Elizabeth & Brendan

just for a moment – I am my grandmother’s granddaughter.

Breast cancer affects all women – no matter of race, income, religion and most importantly political beliefs.  Therefore, I believe, that cancer screenings should be above it all – equal access no matter of race, income, religion and political beliefs.  We should be working to make screenings available through ANY method – mobile mammogram vans, hospitals and clinics – even Planned Parenthood.  Non-profits raising money to help find a cure and increase survivorship – should do only that and not be involved in other social debates going on in the country.

An interesting read here – non profits should be non profits and not a corporation.  And this is why my money will be going to organizations like Stupid Cancer or I had Cancer – not just because of Susan G. Komen’s recent acts but because a) cancer is stupid and b) I did have cancer.

Ok – getting off the soapbox.

Brendan follows a geek website xkcd.com and about a year ago subtle references to cancer and illness started to show up in some of the comics he creates. It turns out that his fiancee was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. While I don’t get why “Sudo make me a sandwich” is hilarious, I do get the ones about cancer. Here is one I liked because it is so true.

Today is 2 years cancer-free.  This post is just me rambling and it is not just “i am doing fine.”  So if you are looking for something with linear thoughts or something happy go lucky, you may want to try another blog.

Last year, Brendan and I went out to celebrate the first year and this year since he is in the UK for work, I am going out some friends.  I am not celebrating the day because it was not that much fun – until I got the sedative.  (I love that stuff. No joke.  It was that good.  I got excited for it before my follow-up surgeries.)  But rather, Brendan and I need to recognize how far we have come.

It has been 2 years but it is still something we struggle with.  We spent the first 6-8 months dealing with surgeries and coming to terms with the diagnosis.  And it was/is hard sometimes because both Brendan and I feel like we got good news and a good prognosis and everyone thinks “all is fine.”  But some days it is not.  I don’t think Emily Post wrote a chapter on how to deal with getting cancer.  Maybe she did and I just missed it.  But some days it is hard and depressing.  Some nights I deal with it by chilling with a bottle of wine (yes a bottle, don’t judge.  I had cancer.) and some days I go out for a walk or a run.  And I do think my bad days are diminishing in number but it is a journey.  I am not sure the right way to handle all of this and sometimes I may do something wrong in other people’s minds.  But all i can say is that I am dealing the only way I know how and sometimes that involves me watching really bad TV where I don’t have to think or feel anything and sometimes I want to talk about it all.

And part of this issue is that Brendan and I live in a world where an ache or pain or cough could be sinister.  A lump is not always a lump and doctor’s actually do deliver bad news.  So in our world, a tree can no longer be a tree, everything has a deeper meaning and I have to err on the side of bad.  We have had to adjust to our new normal.

This post seems all gloomy but it is not.  It is part of the process of reminding myself, how far we have come because many times I still feel like we have so far to go.  I just need to get this out there and now it becomes a reference point for next year when we hit 3 years and counting… and realize we are doing well and still doing things our way.

I never felt a lump last time. They found something on the MRI and I was thrust into tests, waiting, and appointments. So this time, I had nothing to compare it to and I wasn’t use to feeling something and then try to fight for an appointment. They just appeared last time. Now I still have a cyst they are monitoring but we will see what happens with that one.

After an ultrasound, a mammogram, lots of google searches, a few heart attacks and some gray hairs we were told the lump is benign and just fat necrosis. This is not an uncommon occurrence with autologous fat transfer. During one of my follow up surgeries they injected some fat into my chest and that can cause some problems.

My oncologist was on vacation but the doctor covering her squeezed me in.  Before the appointment he checked my file as he was perplexed about a lump.  He suspected fat necrosis and called my plastic surgeon.  Dr. Guo was also on vacation but local so he called Dr. Robertson back and they discussed the case.  From what Dr. Guo remembered, the fat injection could be the culprit since he doesn’t do them each time.  He finds that the separate fat injections can cause problems.

Now we can have it surgically removed or wait and see.  Since I am not really excited about another surgery, I am taking the wait and see approach.  I also have my next regular oncology appointment and we can talk about it further.

Life fucking sucks more often than I want it to.

After two rounds of testing, it has been determined that while my sister has the BRCA mutation, I do not.  As of right now, I am a medical fluke.  According to the American Cancer Society, from birth to age 39, 1 woman in 231 will get breast cancer (<0.5% risk).  And apparently I fell into that .5%.  Now if you coupled the risk factor with the likelihood that someone would get it within a family with a known BRCA mutation, then I don’t know.  I can’t do that kind of math.  But had I not been in a family with such history or had I gotten the genetic testing done earlier, I wouldn’t have been getting heightened screening and it wouldn’t have been found so early.  So I am lucky in a sense.

Because the likelihood is so small, my genetic counselor and oncologist do not want to leave any stone unturned.  So we are trying to get the lab that tested my sister’s blood to test mine.  Also we are having another hospital lab look over the biopsy sample (even though 2 rounds of checking we were already done there as well). 

It was kind of funny when they delivered the second set of results and basically said “We don’t know what to say because everyone we spoke to expected you to have the same mutation as your sister.” 

Thus, I present to you…me, the medical conundrum or the luckiest unlucky person.

Probably no one will remember but I was emailing with one of the doctors that delievered Kate Gosselin’s sextuplets. Today I spoke with the Orthapedist surgeon who operated on Joe Biden’s mom. I am so cool.

So today I wen tto the doctor’s for the final procedure and last step of reconstruction.  As Dr. Guo said, “It’s time for the finishing touches.” 

So I am happy to say that I am sitting on the couch, belly is full and I do not need to have any more procedures.   Also, I love Dr. Guo.

I swear, it is either feast of famine witho our lives.

After a few weeks of just tending to the house, we have blasted off into the stratosphere. 

• This past weekend we flew to NYC Thursday night and then had a whirlwind two days in NYC.  Friday we started in Park Slope, eating bagels with Emily and goddaughter Lily (who was all smiles and giggles when we there and we thank her for the great disposition) then went to the Upper East side to hang with Billy for a bit, then down to Grand Central for some happy hour delights, followed by a trip to Citi Field (Mets won) and the night ended hanging with Jason and Selena at Muldoon’s.   Saturday we got up, went to nephew AJ’s christening and left around 3:00 for Boston. 
• Brendan then caught a flight to the UK that night (I went home).  So now I am hanging with the pupster alone this week and Brendan returns Friday night. 
• Then dinner with UK friends and the Meklers. 
• Saturday we go to the first BC game of the season, then head back to Logan and take another flight to NYC – for Lily’s baptism on Sunday.  Then we head home Monday. 
• That Thursday, Brendan leaves for Las Vegas and I leave on Friday.  We will be going to his friend’s wedding there.  Then we come back on Monday morning (love the red eye!). 
• We have a two week travel break and then I am back to Switzerland for a week. 
• And there are two more potential work trips for me before Christmas (Frankfurt and another Swiss trip).

I need a nap just thinking about all this.